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I’m just not sure I can trust you anymore. When you shagged that bitch behind the dumpster, it hurt me.Woof. It hurt me too, she bit a chunk out of my leg right at the climax. But it’s over now, she’s pregnant. You think i want to commit to a pregnant Delhi dog? No way, that’s a suicide mission. Besides, you ever seen the udders on those things?You’re the only bitch I want, so how bout it?You sly old dog, you had me at woof.

I’m just not sure I can trust you anymore. When you shagged that bitch behind the dumpster, it hurt me.

Woof. It hurt me too, she bit a chunk out of my leg right at the climax. But it’s over now, she’s pregnant. You think i want to commit to a pregnant Delhi dog? No way, that’s a suicide mission. Besides, you ever seen the udders on those things?You’re the only bitch I want, so how bout it?

You sly old dog, you had me at woof.

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Australia’s Greatest Passion

A lot of people think Australia’s greatest passion is sport: Footy, Rugby, Cricket – pastimes which stir the greatest emotion. They’re wrong. Our biggest passion is the boat people. Asylum seekers and Refugees – we go crazy over them. Mental. Australian’s hate the boat people. All of them. The illegals. The queue jumpers. The free-loaders. The criminals (anyone see the irony with that last one?).

To get an idea of Australia’s relationship with the boat people, imagine a utopian beach on the west coast of Australia. Everyone is innocently enjoying the beautiful weather, and being Australian. Then, a dark cloud begins to surface on the horizon, underneath which an object appears to be moving. A crowd begins to gather. ‘What is it?’ ‘It looks like a boat, I can’t quite make it out though’. Bruce reaches for his binoculars, and looks into them… ‘Oh… my… fucking…God. I don’t believe it’. ‘What Bruce, what is it, what do you see?!’. Bruce is in shock. Motionless. Stunned. People begin to get tense, worried even. ‘What Bruce!’. ‘It’s the… It’s the.. It’s the BOAT PEOPLE!’. Everyone starts screaming… ‘SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM!’, like in the movie Psycho. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Arms flailing. Panic. Hysteria. Anarchy. One person faints. It’s complete chaos. ‘The boat people are coming!! The boat people are coming!!! They’re trying to jump the queue. Go back to the end of the queue! They’re freeloaders. They’re stealing our country. They’re trying to kill the Aussie way. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

As the boat draws nearer, the natives are relieved to learn that most of the people on board have already drowned, ‘Phew, that’ll teach em’. But one child survived, and makes it to shore. Bruce is confused, ‘What the fuck is it Shaz?’. ‘I think it’s a… a…. a coloured kid!’. ‘What, like an Abbo?’. ‘No, it’s a bit lighter’. ‘A half-breed?’. ‘Yeah, a half-breed. This thing is freaking me out Shaz, it doesn’t even talk English. Where’s Tony Abbot?! Tony! TONY!!!’. The little coloured boy crawls closer. People gather round, watching in disgust, as the crippled little coloured tries to drag itself along the sand. ‘I think it has a broken leg’. ‘Don’t help it, it’s just going to cost us tax dollars. Lock it up. Kill it. Send it to Papua New Guinea!! But never help it, it’s the only way it will learn!’ The coloured boy reaches out his hand, as if to say, ‘Help’. This proves too much for the natives… ‘It’s trying to steal your wallet Kev, kill it! KILL IT!!’ Kev courageously rises to the task, picks up his cricket bat, and beats the little coloured boy with it. Problem solved. No tax dollars wasted.

Eventually, the natives compose themselves, realise what they’ve become, and do the noble thing. They drag the little coloured boy, who is still breathing, to their van, and lock him in it. For a year. They throw scraps of food each day, saying ‘Bad little coloured boy! Bad boy! Now we have to look after you. BAD BOY!’

This is also known as detention.

Welcome to Australia.

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'Israel has the right to defend itself'. Welcome to life in the Bizarro world.

If this is self defence, then what exactly is attack? Please advise. Welcome to life in the bizarro world. The Orwellian world where black is white, bad is good and war is peace. Not double speak, triple speak. Where the fourth biggest military in the world feels the need to defend themselves, by wiping out 113 people, in less than a week, many of whom are children. Because those pesty little Palestinians don’t like being occupied. They don’t like their embargo. Every now and again they rattle their cage. How dare they complain in this way.

Hands up who actually knows the chronology of events leading to the latest conflict? Why did those erratic little peasants in the Gaza strip decide to fire rockets in the first place? Isn’t it silly to just relentlessly fire rockets, for no reason? Why do they always provoke the poor Israelis and their gigantic military? The Israelis are just trying to obtain peace, (through occupation and attrition), so what is wrong with these strange people? Answers, anyone?

'Because they're Palestinians, and it's in their nature to be terrorists'.

Thanks, Benjamin Netanyahu. But I think, actually, it was because on November 4, when an unarmed Palestinian civilian dared to wander too close to the border (i.e the dog chewed off his leash and strayed too far from his kennel), the Israel Defense Forces soldiers yelled at him ‘Bad dog!’, and killed him. Even though he was absolutely no threat. And, mentally ill. But that’s obviously ok. They’re only Palestinians, they die in this fashion all the time. We just don’t hear about it, because they’re only Palestinians. 

Strangely, the Palestinians didn’t like their people being unnecessarily killed. Not sure why they didnt just accept it and say, ‘Too bad, only a Gazan’. Weird. So they fired some rockets. This was all after another Gazan had already been killed by the IDF, for firing mortars. Then a 13 year old Gazan was killed when Israeli tanks and helicopters entered Gaza. None of this was newsworthy, none of it is part of the current script. The script says that Israel is defending itself against Hamas rockets. The script never changes.

The jostling went back and forth, luckily there were no casualties. By casualties I mean IDF soldiers. There were Palestinian casualties, of course, but luckily they don’t count. Palestinians die all the time, but they’re lesser people. They’re caged animals. So, there were no casualties, none at all, and a ceasefire was about to be signed by a member of Hamas. Game over. But wait! The Israelis need to defend themselves. But how? Ah, let’s kill one of their political leaders. Which one? The one who was about to sign the ceasefire of course. Really? Why? Isn’t he being an obedient little Muslim? Yes he is, but no-one will know, plus, we have an election coming up, and if the people talk about issues other than national security, we’re fucked. It’ll be good… politically that is. So this will be a political attack? Isn’t that the definition of terrorism? Yes, but we’re Israelis. They’re Muslims. Israelis and the West fight terror, see? (pointing to news). Ok let’s do it. Splat, he’s gone. Now, gloat on twitter, ‘Eliminated’ like it’s a video game. 

Wait, what exactly do we think Hamas will do now, surely they’re going to retaliate. Of course they won’t! They’ll just learn their lesson. They’ll bend over and take it. Any country who has a political leader assassinated will obviously take it graciously. They will be thankful that we only killed him and not the whole population. They’ll accept what we’ve done.

Curiously, once again, the Palestinians were upset, and… retaliated. I personally didnt understand this, Wtf? Are they crazy? They should be thanking the IDF for killing their people, after all, it’s just fewer mouths to feed. The rockets start to fly in. The IDF smirk as 99% of the firecrackers miss their targets, ‘Nice try guys. Sigh. Guess we better defend ourselves. Guys, we need to defend ourselves’. Cue 75,000 soldiers who just happen to be around the corner. And warships, drones, tanks, helicopters. Yes! We get to defend ourselves!! 

And then it’s game on. The Israelis defend themselves. 10 fatalities. 20. 40. 60. 80. 100. 110. Many of whom are children. Three Israelis die too, but the ratio is even: 3 Isralies is worth 113 Palestinians. As Gaza burns, Israel continues to lament the Palestinians daring to resist. Daring to fight back. How dare they?! Eventually, the Palestinians learn their place. They lie down on the ground, roll onto their stomachs, lift their backside up and take 6 inches of the Zionist dream from behind. They don’t dare complain anymore. They’ve learnt their lesson. They’re heads are pulled up, so they can watch their country burn, while another 2 inches of Zionist dream digs deeper. Watch the fourth biggest military in the world occupy your country. Watch a 6 year embargo cripple your economy. Watch 1000’s of political prisoners rot in Israeli jails, without trial. Watch settlements being built in the West Bank, in defiance of international law. Don’t dare complain though. Never wander too far from your cage. Drink the contaminated water and know your place. Watch the Israeli military grow bigger and bigger, watch the billions of dollars pouring in from the US. Watch Egypt honour the ‘peace’ agreement. Watch the world sit back and do nothing. Don’t dare fight back. Don’t dare resist. Just take it. Watch 1400 die in 2009, in time for the election. Watch the toll rise again, right on cue, for these elections, as the IDF defend themselves.

When the rape is finally over, the Palestinian rat is thrown back into his sewer, and told to never defy the master again. Cue the worlds media and photographers to capture it all. But they’re not capturing the Palestinian rat, just yet. First, the real story: the distressed Israeli, as he laments his need to defend himself. As he speaks, a Palestinian throws one of his firecrackers. The Israeli sighs, apologises to the the worlds media and says, ‘One minute please, this wont take long’. He pulls out an assault rifle and blows the rats’ head off. Someone taps him on the shoulder, ‘Ah, that was a kid’. 'What else was I to do, sulk, I thought she was a terrorist. There there (consoling pat on the back) poor Israeli, we understand. Your hands are tied. It’s an impossible situation for you. Go on, keep occupying. Keep humiliating. Keep killing. They’re Palestinians. We get it.

Back To the rape, which is now everywhere. The world watches. Obama chips in and says, ‘Benjamin, master, may I please speak? I think you have the right to defend yourself. But, it would be ‘preferable’ if you didn’t. Please?' No response, just a death stare from the salivating Netanyahu, who snarls his teeth. 'Yikes. Sorry master, carry on'. The UK comes out with a radical statement, 'You may, um, lose some support, if you keep raping everyone. Not really though. And by the way, sorry, I have to be seen to be in some way impartial. Carry on'. And then the Australians chip in, with their statement. Hold breath, drumroll please, Gillard and Abbot, the inspirational leaders at the forefront of Australian politics say their piece: 'Wait, what did our American masters say (taking notes). Right, we say… Exactly what Washington said'. If ever you needed evidence that Australia didn't have a foreign policy, and that it just followed that of its American masters, then this was it. They even went further than the US, by using less double speak, proving they are more loyal to the US than the US is to itself. 

Back to the Israelis defending themselves. When they’ve made their point, when they’ve finished punishing the Gazans for existing, they’ll accept a ceasefire. The hawks in the rightwing Likud party will be reelected. The American taxpayer will dump another eye watering bag of cash on their laps. The Australians will be looking to the Americans, like a dog looks at it owner, for clues on what to do next. The Gazans will wonder the fuck just happened. The next generation of radicals will be born out of the debree, joining the radicals born out of the 2009 massacre, and the next generation rising out of the Iraq invasion and Pakistan Drones. 

The dance will continue. 

We’ll watch the BBC and read the New York Times, and think we’re getting liberal, balanced news.

Then we’ll close our eyes and go to sleep. In the bizarro world, ignorance is bliss.

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Personal illustration made up of 100s of buildings, both personally shot and found.

Personal illustration made up of 100s of buildings, both personally shot and found.

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