A lot of people think Australia’s greatest passion is sport: Footy, Rugby, Cricket – pastimes which stir the greatest emotion. They’re wrong. Our biggest passion is the boat people. Asylum seekers and Refugees – we go crazy over them. Mental. Australian’s hate the boat people. All of them. The illegals. The queue jumpers. The free-loaders. The criminals (anyone see the irony with that last one?).
To get an idea of Australia’s relationship with the boat people, imagine a utopian beach on the west coast of Australia. Everyone is innocently enjoying the beautiful weather, and being Australian. Then, a dark cloud begins to surface on the horizon, underneath which an object appears to be moving. A crowd begins to gather. ‘What is it?’ ‘It looks like a boat, I can’t quite make it out though’. Bruce reaches for his binoculars, and looks into them… ‘Oh… my… fucking…God. I don’t believe it’. ‘What Bruce, what is it, what do you see?!’. Bruce is in shock. Motionless. Stunned. People begin to get tense, worried even. ‘What Bruce!’. ‘It’s the… It’s the.. It’s the BOAT PEOPLE!’. Everyone starts screaming… ‘SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM!’, like in the movie Psycho. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Arms flailing. Panic. Hysteria. Anarchy. One person faints. It’s complete chaos. ‘The boat people are coming!! The boat people are coming!!! They’re trying to jump the queue. Go back to the end of the queue! They’re freeloaders. They’re stealing our country. They’re trying to kill the Aussie way. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
As the boat draws nearer, the natives are relieved to learn that most of the people on board have already drowned, ‘Phew, that’ll teach em’. But one child survived, and makes it to shore. Bruce is confused, ‘What the fuck is it Shaz?’. ‘I think it’s a… a…. a coloured kid!’. ‘What, like an Abbo?’. ‘No, it’s a bit lighter’. ‘A half-breed?’. ‘Yeah, a half-breed. This thing is freaking me out Shaz, it doesn’t even talk English. Where’s Tony Abbot?! Tony! TONY!!!’. The little coloured boy crawls closer. People gather round, watching in disgust, as the crippled little coloured tries to drag itself along the sand. ‘I think it has a broken leg’. ‘Don’t help it, it’s just going to cost us tax dollars. Lock it up. Kill it. Send it to Papua New Guinea!! But never help it, it’s the only way it will learn!’ The coloured boy reaches out his hand, as if to say, ‘Help’. This proves too much for the natives… ‘It’s trying to steal your wallet Kev, kill it! KILL IT!!’ Kev courageously rises to the task, picks up his cricket bat, and beats the little coloured boy with it. Problem solved. No tax dollars wasted.
Eventually, the natives compose themselves, realise what they’ve become, and do the noble thing. They drag the little coloured boy, who is still breathing, to their van, and lock him in it. For a year. They throw scraps of food each day, saying ‘Bad little coloured boy! Bad boy! Now we have to look after you. BAD BOY!’
This is also known as detention.
Welcome to Australia.
I’ve recently started teaching ‘Introduction to Geopolitics and the Politics of Global Hegemony’, to 5 year olds at my local primary school. I’ll be uploading transcripts with notes of each class onto Tumblr. I’ll also be adopting the use of the hashtag to provide a witty characterisation to parts of the text. #trends
Understanding the Term ‘Bigot’
A bigot is anyone who reads the Herald-Sun, The Sun, the New York Post, watches channels like Fox News or thinks Tony Abbot is ok. They are generally aghast at the idea of their tax dollars funding a disabled person, mental illness, infrastructure, health, education, social security etc etc. i.e, anything from which they won’t directly benefit, or anything they think goes toward the 0.7% (UK) of the population who claim benefits falesely. They litter social media with views on things like boat people, the undeserving poor, the communists and the scientific conspiracy of climate change. They are staunchly opposed to evidence and fact based opinion. #trolls #bogans #inbreeds
The Anomaly of a Bigot
When it comes to paying for invading other countries, the bigot miraculously changes his militant, anti-government stance, and unquestionably supports the redistribution of wealth. He’s yells, ‘Here, take my money, Please!, I want to donate to the invasion!’ So, when it comes to killing hundreds of thousands of woman and children in an Arab country #iraq so the bigot can support his idol #johnhoward, who can support his idol #thetexanredneck, on a resource grabbing invasion of choice #wmd #bullshitcough they are pro government spending. When it turns out to all be based on a gargantuan lie, they’re happy to forgive John Howard for this minor glitch, at least he was tough on the boat people, many of whom were escaping countries he helped invade #irellevant So, public spending is bad, if it’s on wasteful things such as health and social security, but the Australian public spending over $3 billion on mass murder, well.. that’s obviously good. Remember, it’s not mass murder, it’s ‘casualties of war’. If half a million white people die, it’s a tragedy beyond comprehension. If half a million coloured civilians die, we say ‘What? I thought it was only a few thousand. Oh we’ll, it was for their own good, they’re safer now. They’re a democracy #ihatefacts If a noble hero in military gear enters an Iraqi civilian house, and terrorises everyone in it, then pops a cap in the back of someone trying to flee, it’s just a casualty of war. #supportourtroops If the current rate of birth defects for the city of Fallujah has surpassed those of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, because the noble heroes released Phosphate on the dangerous civillians, it’s ok. (#classified) For the most part, we don’t hear about these stories, because we’re not supposed to. We only hear about the deaths of our own kind. And then watch a movie about it. And a documentary. And a front page news story. Over and over and over. What about our victims? What victims! Coloured people don’t count. Stupid.
Understanding the Need for Villains and Heroes
It’s important to understand that in the story of global politics, as told by the worlds media/politicians, there must always be a hero, and, as every comic book will attest, a villain. In todays world, one of the key villains in the fairy tale is Iran. Iran is the threat to world peace. Because it is enriching uranium, which the west and Israel #heroes #brave believe is a pathway to nuclear power #ihateevidence Remember, uranium is used for medical purposes too. But when this is mentioned, the west puts their hands over their ears and pretends they’re listening to music, so they can’t hear. So the heroes tell the villains they can’t enrich uranium, or they will bomb them. They’ll bomb them in the name of world peace #orwell So, the moral of the story is that nuclear weapons are considered bad. Everyone would agree with that.
Any questions kids? Xanadu, yes you.
But hold on, it says here that the US has the worlds largest stockpile of nuclear warheads. It has conducted thousands of nuclear tests. It stores its weapons all over the world. And, unlike any other country, it’s actually used them before. #tosavelives And Israel is the only country in the world which refuses to declare how many weapons it actually has in its nuclear stockpile #alot. And, it’s not a signatory of the Non-Proliferation Treaty, while Iran is a signatory. Is this true? I’m confused.
Ah, such a cute kid. You’ll get the hang of it. Here, let me explain. Nuclear weapons are bad, except, if you are the US/West or Israel. Then it is ok. The sky is the limit, literally (as long as it’s an Obama Drone in the sky #nobelpeaceprize). Nuclear tests. Storing them in strategic locations across the world. Investing trillions of dollars of tax payers’ money in their development, sure, go ahead, it’s good. It’s ok. Can you imagine if Iran did any of that? #no
‘Who’s the Villian then?’
Lets look at the state of Israel.
‘Wait, Did you say lets look at the Jews? That’s anti- Semitic!’
Pipe down September #kidswithwankynames, I said let’s look at the state of Israel. But you raise an important point. Some Israeli and Western politicians try to play the anti-Semitic card if you try and criticise their aggression. They are essentially politicising the holocaust. Classy. Let’s look at the facts. Israel is heavily armed with nukes. #veryhevily They refuse international inspections #hypocrites They are not a signatory of the NPA #hypocrites They kill neighboring civilians with such frequency it isn’t even news #palestiniansdontcount They are salivating at the mouth to strike Iran, they don’t even pretend otherwise #forpeace They received $3 billion in military aid last financial year. #yes #3billion Paid for by the American taxpayer - remember what I said about a bigots view on government spending? Military spending? It’s…..?
Healthcare, education, infrastructure?
Bigots are happy to sponsor Israeli weapons of mass destruction. They’re not happy to sponsor gun reform. They’re not happy to sponsor social security, unless of course…?
They directly benefit from it. #retirement
They love weapons. They get aroused by war, because it shows power.
What does power do?
Again, think about the threat.
Iran, Good or Bad?
Now, I think we’re all beginning to understand who the real villains are. But that doesn’t mean Iran is a model tenant. The state is misogynist. It beheads people, and punishes its poor for using drugs, by killing them #texas They have a warped interpretation of Religion #texas They are a flawed state #texas We know they’re flawed. The question, however, is not ’Do we like them?’. The question is, ‘Are they a threat to world peace?’ Can unlikeable traits be linked with intent to detonate a nuclear bomb? If you think they’re a threat that justifies a military strike, and subsequent war, please supply the evidence for this. Not speculation based on our distaste of a regime, but evidence. Who is the threat?
Who recently slaughtered >500,000 innocent civilians, Iran or the west?
Who is occupying foreign lands with gigantic #gigantic military’s, Iran or the west?
Who has weapons of mass destruction? Iran or the West?
Right, so who is the threat?
And who agrees with this?
The Power of Public Relations and False Contrition
If a radical Islamist blows up a building, car or street, he gleefully takes responsibility and spouts a bunch of psychotic diatribe #radicalislam to celebrate. The Radical Islamist PR machine is really, really bad. Conversely, when the other terrorists, you know, the ones in suits #politicians blow up a building, a car or a house, #iraq #afghanistan #pakistan #yemen #whocares their highly advanced PR machine goes into overdrive #lies First, they repress it from the media. Then, they deny it. Which is quite easy because no-one is reporting it #towelheadsdontcount Then, when the evidence leaks out of their grasp, and it becomes clear to everyone what they’ve done, they ‘investigate’ #stonewalling. Then, after they’ve ‘investigated’ they pretend they are sorry, and show contrition. Then, it’s ok. They’re the good guys fighting the good fight, kids will die. Hundreds of them. Even thousands, we don’t even know (or care). ‘Sorry alright, geez, get off our backs. We said sorry. It was just a coloured kid wasn’t it, no blonde hair, right?’. As the father looks at the charred remains of his family, he is consoled by the apology ‘No worries, I understand’. He nudges the guy next to him, ‘It was only a mistake, thank Allah for that. Phew. I thought it was done with malice. Silly me!’ ‘Hear that Aasera’, he says to his child, ‘it was only a mistake, say Shukran NATO’ holding his dead child’s arm up, waving it to the NATO General. The arm falls off. The General helps him reattach it in a heart warming moment. He even pays for the glue. Thanks NATO. The General feels all sentimental about the great work they’re doing with the coloured people. Thanks NATO xxx.
What was that ancient proverb about learning from our mistakes? We should learn from them, or something. NATO is s bit slow then, coz they keep repeating the same mistake, by bombing civilians. Over and over and over. It’s Boston every month (or week, who cares) when the NATO bombers are around. #ssssshhh #unpatriotic #muslimsympathiser
Who’s the threat again? If the threat is based purely on the number of innocents dieing from explosions, well it’s no question. Read about Obamas drone program. NATOs stray bombs. The actual number of civillian deaths in Iraq. Who is actually using chemical weapons. Who is being occupied. Go beyond the Bigot Bibles. The Heroes are the threat. Not really a threat, more like in a state of emergency #waronterror But if the threat is based on lies, half truths and rhetoric (Sadam and WMD, anyone?) the threat is obviously Iran. Obviously. Saddam was an existential threat. But then it turned out he wasn’t. Whoops. Sorry. What was that proverb about mistakes again?
If this is self defence, then what exactly is attack? Please advise. Welcome to life in the bizarro world. The Orwellian world where black is white, bad is good and war is peace. Not double speak, triple speak. Where the fourth biggest military in the world feels the need to defend themselves, by wiping out 113 people, in less than a week, many of whom are children. Because those pesty little Palestinians don’t like being occupied. They don’t like their embargo. Every now and again they rattle their cage. How dare they complain in this way.
Hands up who actually knows the chronology of events leading to the latest conflict? Why did those erratic little peasants in the Gaza strip decide to fire rockets in the first place? Isn’t it silly to just relentlessly fire rockets, for no reason? Why do they always provoke the poor Israelis and their gigantic military? The Israelis are just trying to obtain peace, (through occupation and attrition), so what is wrong with these strange people? Answers, anyone?
'Because they're Palestinians, and it's in their nature to be terrorists'.
Thanks, Benjamin Netanyahu. But I think, actually, it was because on November 4, when an unarmed Palestinian civilian dared to wander too close to the border (i.e the dog chewed off his leash and strayed too far from his kennel), the Israel Defense Forces soldiers yelled at him ‘Bad dog!’, and killed him. Even though he was absolutely no threat. And, mentally ill. But that’s obviously ok. They’re only Palestinians, they die in this fashion all the time. We just don’t hear about it, because they’re only Palestinians.
Strangely, the Palestinians didn’t like their people being unnecessarily killed. Not sure why they didnt just accept it and say, ‘Too bad, only a Gazan’. Weird. So they fired some rockets. This was all after another Gazan had already been killed by the IDF, for firing mortars. Then a 13 year old Gazan was killed when Israeli tanks and helicopters entered Gaza. None of this was newsworthy, none of it is part of the current script. The script says that Israel is defending itself against Hamas rockets. The script never changes.
The jostling went back and forth, luckily there were no casualties. By casualties I mean IDF soldiers. There were Palestinian casualties, of course, but luckily they don’t count. Palestinians die all the time, but they’re lesser people. They’re caged animals. So, there were no casualties, none at all, and a ceasefire was about to be signed by a member of Hamas. Game over. But wait! The Israelis need to defend themselves. But how? Ah, let’s kill one of their political leaders. Which one? The one who was about to sign the ceasefire of course. Really? Why? Isn’t he being an obedient little Muslim? Yes he is, but no-one will know, plus, we have an election coming up, and if the people talk about issues other than national security, we’re fucked. It’ll be good… politically that is. So this will be a political attack? Isn’t that the definition of terrorism? Yes, but we’re Israelis. They’re Muslims. Israelis and the West fight terror, see? (pointing to news). Ok let’s do it. Splat, he’s gone. Now, gloat on twitter, ‘Eliminated’ like it’s a video game.
Wait, what exactly do we think Hamas will do now, surely they’re going to retaliate. Of course they won’t! They’ll just learn their lesson. They’ll bend over and take it. Any country who has a political leader assassinated will obviously take it graciously. They will be thankful that we only killed him and not the whole population. They’ll accept what we’ve done.
Curiously, once again, the Palestinians were upset, and… retaliated. I personally didnt understand this, Wtf? Are they crazy? They should be thanking the IDF for killing their people, after all, it’s just fewer mouths to feed. The rockets start to fly in. The IDF smirk as 99% of the firecrackers miss their targets, ‘Nice try guys. Sigh. Guess we better defend ourselves. Guys, we need to defend ourselves’. Cue 75,000 soldiers who just happen to be around the corner. And warships, drones, tanks, helicopters. Yes! We get to defend ourselves!!
And then it’s game on. The Israelis defend themselves. 10 fatalities. 20. 40. 60. 80. 100. 110. Many of whom are children. Three Israelis die too, but the ratio is even: 3 Isralies is worth 113 Palestinians. As Gaza burns, Israel continues to lament the Palestinians daring to resist. Daring to fight back. How dare they?! Eventually, the Palestinians learn their place. They lie down on the ground, roll onto their stomachs, lift their backside up and take 6 inches of the Zionist dream from behind. They don’t dare complain anymore. They’ve learnt their lesson. They’re heads are pulled up, so they can watch their country burn, while another 2 inches of Zionist dream digs deeper. Watch the fourth biggest military in the world occupy your country. Watch a 6 year embargo cripple your economy. Watch 1000’s of political prisoners rot in Israeli jails, without trial. Watch settlements being built in the West Bank, in defiance of international law. Don’t dare complain though. Never wander too far from your cage. Drink the contaminated water and know your place. Watch the Israeli military grow bigger and bigger, watch the billions of dollars pouring in from the US. Watch Egypt honour the ‘peace’ agreement. Watch the world sit back and do nothing. Don’t dare fight back. Don’t dare resist. Just take it. Watch 1400 die in 2009, in time for the election. Watch the toll rise again, right on cue, for these elections, as the IDF defend themselves.
When the rape is finally over, the Palestinian rat is thrown back into his sewer, and told to never defy the master again. Cue the worlds media and photographers to capture it all. But they’re not capturing the Palestinian rat, just yet. First, the real story: the distressed Israeli, as he laments his need to defend himself. As he speaks, a Palestinian throws one of his firecrackers. The Israeli sighs, apologises to the the worlds media and says, ‘One minute please, this wont take long’. He pulls out an assault rifle and blows the rats’ head off. Someone taps him on the shoulder, ‘Ah, that was a kid’. 'What else was I to do, sulk, I thought she was a terrorist. There there (consoling pat on the back) poor Israeli, we understand. Your hands are tied. It’s an impossible situation for you. Go on, keep occupying. Keep humiliating. Keep killing. They’re Palestinians. We get it.
Back To the rape, which is now everywhere. The world watches. Obama chips in and says, ‘Benjamin, master, may I please speak? I think you have the right to defend yourself. But, it would be ‘preferable’ if you didn’t. Please?' No response, just a death stare from the salivating Netanyahu, who snarls his teeth. 'Yikes. Sorry master, carry on'. The UK comes out with a radical statement, 'You may, um, lose some support, if you keep raping everyone. Not really though. And by the way, sorry, I have to be seen to be in some way impartial. Carry on'. And then the Australians chip in, with their statement. Hold breath, drumroll please, Gillard and Abbot, the inspirational leaders at the forefront of Australian politics say their piece: 'Wait, what did our American masters say (taking notes). Right, we say… Exactly what Washington said'. If ever you needed evidence that Australia didn't have a foreign policy, and that it just followed that of its American masters, then this was it. They even went further than the US, by using less double speak, proving they are more loyal to the US than the US is to itself.
Back to the Israelis defending themselves. When they’ve made their point, when they’ve finished punishing the Gazans for existing, they’ll accept a ceasefire. The hawks in the rightwing Likud party will be reelected. The American taxpayer will dump another eye watering bag of cash on their laps. The Australians will be looking to the Americans, like a dog looks at it owner, for clues on what to do next. The Gazans will wonder the fuck just happened. The next generation of radicals will be born out of the debree, joining the radicals born out of the 2009 massacre, and the next generation rising out of the Iraq invasion and Pakistan Drones.
The dance will continue.
We’ll watch the BBC and read the New York Times, and think we’re getting liberal, balanced news.
Then we’ll close our eyes and go to sleep. In the bizarro world, ignorance is bliss.